Kids Room Tips

Do you like my story?

Public Comments

1. 9, veeeery good, but there were a FEW grammar mistakes, and spelling mistakes, but that can be fixed easily :]
2. It is time to get your story published! I can't believe you are a teenager writing that good. You have a strong concept of words and use them nicely. Yes there are a few grammer mistakes, but they can be cleaned up in no time. Bravo!
3. Hey! For a 12 year old, it's excellent! i would give it an 8, because some of your sentences are too short, and sometimes you use words that you dont quite understand in your story. Make your story more fluid, like a river. You dont have to have super short sentences. Also, you dont have to dwell on every little detail such as brushing hair or eating cookies for breakfast, you know? If you want to add detail, add emotional detail, like how you felt when your Grandmother stood up for Sydney, etc. But also dont make her perfect, and like you said, an angel. She can have a few flaws too, she shoud not be perfect. Lol. And maybe dont tell us how perfect she is all the time and that your not as incredible. Give yourself some credit for something. Don't make yourself sound boring! The main character should be interesting. Maybe ask your mom or dad to edit it? Good Luck!
4. You are twelve? wOw! Gr8 imagery!! I'm jealous... by the time your in highschool you'll be writing novels.
5. pretty good except the grammar but you can sure write a story
6. that was an extremely detailed story you are very very very very good i couldnt stop reading it if you dont get this published you would be a fool your use of words is great 10/10 brilliant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
7. 7. Amazing story. Im 13 and your writing is similar to mine. Im always told the same thing though; lengthen your sentences. I think it would apply to you as well. Also, another thing that aplies to us both; to much detail. Good story though.
8. WOW!!! I love it!! But try not to start every sentence with I. GOOD, GOOD JOB!!!!!!!!!!!
9. wow. holy crap that's the best story I've EVER read from someone your age.. when i was 12, i had troubles writing a paragraph for school haha. i'm 14 now, and i'm somewhat better, but nothing still compared to this! keep writing, this could pay VERY well if you practice, and get someone reliable to edit it! keep up the good work! -stephen.
10. 8.5/10 That is brilliant writing for your age. The only reasons I didn't give you 10/10, are very minor. If you wouldn't mind, I'd love to show you my reasons, and share a few pointers so that you can improve still further: 1. In the beginning, it seems as if you're trying to fit all of this information into a space where it won't fit. It seems a bit jumbled. If, for example, you described your character's looks by having her glance in a mirror, or see a reflection in a window, it would fit in better. 'Show, Don't Tell' is the most famous advice for writers. 2. Once your character falls into Bethsaidia, there seems to bit a bit too much danger in it, if you will. It's almost like you're trying to make it exciting by adding too much risk. If you try and smooth it out, so that it fits together, that would be great 3. Description. Again, 'Show, don't Tell'. For example, when you're describing Custos, you mention horse ears, and a horse's lower body. If you maybe mentioned your character seeing hooves, and then as she stands, she follows the horse part, until she gets to the 'human' part, then you could describe his face and such by actions. (i.e 'he looked at her with dark brown eyes...') 4. Try and cut down on 'sound words'. Instead of saying 'Crack!' when the ice shatters, actually describe the ice shattering. 5. I would also suggest adding a few flaws to your characters. Nobody's perfect, and characters with flaws add to the story, more than retract from it. In the novel I'm writing, I'm actually having trouble decreasing my characters flaws, instead of adding to their strengths. I am thoroughly, thoroughly impressed with your writing, I must say. I hope you'll use these guidelines to help you along. Wishing you all the best of lick in your own writing! ~Tiger
11. 9.6